Monday, October 6, 2008

Neglected Kid Time

On The Flipside Guest Blogger: Adrian of Adrian's Crazy Life.

Adrian has written a great post and so graciously agreed to be a Guest Blogger for On The Flipside. Please read her post below and then leave your opinion on this topic in the comments. And, don't forget to go over and visit Adrian at Adrian's Crazy Life. Thanks, Adrian!


Neglected Kid Time

I got to thinking about some of my favorite posts and I realized that I'd never posted one of my favorite essays. This was a post I wrote a couple of years ago on my Utah Divas website. This relates to my Stampin' Up! business, but it really applies to any home business or hobby that we tend to obsess about. Thankfully, since this period in time, I have made a lot of changes and I no longer invest nearly as much time in my stamping as I used to.

I'm writing this at 3:42 AM, so I apologize if it seems a little "unpolished", but I've just had something the Flylady calls a "God breeze". She refers to Him as the "Midnight Editor" and He sometimes sends her little messages and topics for her essays in the middle of the night. The topic I received tonight is "Balance" - you know that thing that Shelli talks a lot about in her little newsletter at the front of our Stampin' Success magazine.

However, a lot of us don't really practice the habit of Balance - I know I don't, which is why I'm sitting up here typing in the middle of the night. As many of you know, I recently lost my mother, which tends to make you step back and take a look at yourself and your life and right now, I don't really like what I see.

I love my Stampin' Up! business, but there definitely is a dark side of it and I've run smack into it tonight. I'm an enthusiastic "all or nothing" type of person and when I throw myself into a new "something" - I tend to throw myself pretty hard and damn the consequences.

In this case the consequences translate into something I called "Neglected Kid Time" or NKT. I look back on how I spent my day today and it's nothing but NKT. Here it was a beautiful, sunny (though chilly!) Saturday and I had my husband and my two wonderful sons right here, waiting to spend some time with me after a looong week of working and yet I sacrificed pretty much the entire day to Stampin' Up!

I had a chance to attend a quarterly downline meeting and even though it wasn't really my downline, I was invited and I decided to attend, even though I had already spent an evening with my Utah Stampin' Divas a couple of days earlier. Tons of fun, and a nice chance to get out with some great girlfriends and make some fun projects, but again a entire evening of Neglected Kid Time as my kids sat home with my husband and probably watched TV all night.

Then I add in travel time, preparation time, making swaps time, and waaaay to much time staring at this computer screen at waaay too many stamping websites like this one and I wonder why I have a couple of grouchy, unruly kids with their rooms a mess and their chores and homework not done - duh!

Then I look around at my house that looks like a bomb went off in every room (if Flylady saw this house right now, she'd turn tail and run right back to North Carolina!). I look at my husband who has watched so much football, I think he has green Astroturf imprinted on his eyeballs and then I look at our two boys who practically have square eye sockets because they've watched so much TV, played so many video games, or spent so much time on their own computer! (Yes - we do have HIS, HERS, and KIDS computers as well as separate TV's for each - that's a big clue right there!) And I think - boy did I screw up again!

I don't know about you, but pretty much all my adult life, I've felt like that guy you see in the circus with the spinning plates. I have all these plates going and they are labeled WORK (my "real" job), KIDS, MARRIAGE, HOUSEWORK, STAMPIN' UP!, CHURCH, a whole bunch of others and even a little tiny one called ME and I realize that I've been spinning the ones called WORK and STAMPIN' UP! so much this whole year that all the other ones are starting to wobble badly and even start to fall.

So what do I do? I have to admit right now, I don't really know. Obviously I'm going to have to stop spinning these two plates so much and go over and give the other ones a few extra spins. But how to keep them in balance for the long term? That's really the $64,000 question, isn't it? Do I reduce the number of plates, or just figure out some great master plan for spinning them all a little more evenly? I don't know - maybe that's not a good question for 4:20 in the morning.

But I do think it's a good time for us all to ask an important question - what are your kids (if you have any) doing while you are reading this message? Hopefully by now, mine are spending some Non-Neglected Kid Time with their one and only, ever lovin' Mom.

Originally posted by Adrian 8/18/08 at 8:00 AM

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401 comments:

1 – 200 of 401   Newer›   Newest»
common mom said...

Ahhhh - the balancing act! I'm a scrapbooker. Each of my kids has a scrapbook for each year of their lives so far (8 years old and 5 years old), and then I do our "family" album. I used to be "caught up" - not anymore. When the kids stopped taking naps, I stopped scrapbooking as much. I just can't bring myself to do it while we could be playing outside or doing something else together. It was difficult, but I got Ok with it ;-) I'm behind 18 months on Dude's pictures and 10 months on Princess' pictures. The "family" album . . . 2005. I also used to play softball every week all summer. I relegated myself to subbing two summers ago. It gives me the opportunity to play the game I love, but decline when we've just got too much goin on or need some family time. Work - bluck. You gotta do what you gotta do, but I really wish i could quit my job.

I guess as the kids get older, I've cut back on Me time. I still get massages and highlights and play softball and volleyball and scrapbook, I just do less of it and more playing with the kids. Scrapbooking has pretty much been relegated to a twice-a-year event. Some girlfriends and I (anywhere from 4-8 of us) rent a condo up in the mountains for a long weekend twice a year . . . right after and right before ski/board season startes . . . it's cheap ($20/person) and we get 2 1/2 days of scrapbooking, hanging with the girls, and hot tubbing. It works for us.

It's tough to balance it all . . . but I figure the pictures will be in my hobby room in 10 years - my kids most likely will not be asking me to play baseball or the Hello Kitty shopping game with them.

I wish you luck with your balancing act!

mannequin said...

I've the same dilemma here and am the same personality type; I do everything to the extremes. I have difficulty taking a day off until my work is done. It comes from my stoic German heritage , I say!
I often wonder the same; how on earth do some blog nonstop about parenting WHILE they are parenting?
It's all in balancing those plates, I believe, not letting any of them fall.

I have less and less "me" time and that's okay. Although I'm certainly not on deaths doorstep, I've had my youth, probably lived the exciting part (lol) and now, it's HIS turn.

I don't really know that there IS a flipside, is there?

Thanks for the wonderful, thought provoking post. It was time well spent!

Leah said...

When I focus entirely on my kids, house suffers, when I focus entirely on my house, my kids suffer. I try to stay somewhere in the middle, so then I'm partially sucking at both things, instead of just one. Then add in the guilt when I try to carve out a little bit of "me" time. I never feel as if I'm doing a good job as a mother, housewife, etc. I'm not sure any mother really does? They say the housework will always be there tomorrow, but kids grow up and our time with them NOW is precious, and it's true. But we can't live in filth. and they say we need "me" time in order to unwind and be a better parent, which is true, but it's more time spent apart/away from our kids, and how much "me" time is okay, and how much "me" time is leading into NKT??? (and there's the whole other debate of having kids in activities, but how many is too many, and those are all time away from the house/housework and chances at bonding moments with our kids, etc). I'm not sure there's ever a right or wrong answer here and all we can do is our best, and if we "sucked" on any given day, we try that much harder the next day.

And to answer the question of what my kids are doing as I read this. They're watching a movie. LOL But my 4 year old is sick and doesn't want to do anything but lay down, and my 2 year old isn't ever very interested in doing things with ME, when he can be hanging out with his older siblings (my eldest is at school right now). So since they were both interested in the movie, I figured I'd get through some blogging. And after lunch? we have two puzzles, a board game, and three books set for ourselves to do, and I figure that has to count for SOMETHING.

justabeachkat said...

My kids are grown now with kids of their own, so now it's my daughter-in-loves who are asking this same $64,000 question. It's so hard to keep all the balls in the air.

Hugs!
Kat

laurwilk said...

I read this multiple times and started to comment multiple times. It was always lengthy and not saying what I wanted it to say.

I am not a parent but rather an 'adult child' with lots of young siblings. Both of my parents work full-time and my mom has an additional job that she tacked on within the last year. My father's job alone could more than support my family.

At times, I have seen my mom criticized for choosing to work when she doesn't have to, adding on an additional job she really enjoys, and being involved in everything under the sun. I understand this and have at times criticized my mother also.

However, now that I am much older (and much wiser, ha) I understand the difference between the quality of time spent with your children and the quantity of time.

I think all mothers should give themselves somewhat of a break. Kids needs a mother who is happy in her own life and proud of what she does, not someone who loses themselves in their children's lives.

It's important to not only balance the time spent, but also the quality time with the quantity of time. Doing things for yourself will make you a better mother. You will be more patient and more kind and more engaged while with your children. Hence, more quality time.

So hire a babysitter every now and then and do something for yourself. Plus, big bonus for the kids; babysitters always let them stay up later and they can probably eat frozen pizza or fish sticks!! Don't feel guilty about 'you' time. Will it make you happier, more patient, and more excited to spend time with your kids? If so, it is worth it!

Bex said...

let's face it, sometimes you have to let go of whatever needs to be done to give your kid some attention. you like the flylady, so set your timer for half an hour and do something with your kids! that seems simple enough ....

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