Wednesday, July 30, 2008

WHAT WOULD YOU DO - WEDNESDAYS

On Wednesdays, I am going to throw out a question that asks, "What Would You Do If ...?" and I would love to hear - what you would do.

It might be a question about kids. It might be a question about marriage. It might be a question about ethics or morals. But ... hopefully it will be fun to see what everyone will have to say and I'm sure ... there will often be many Flipside views.

I will not give my answer to the What Would You Do - Wednesday question until late in the day - after everyone has had the opportunity to offer their ideas first.


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Today's What Would You Do - Wednesday question is:



What would you do if you found out your husband was cheating on you?


Would you - Kick him to the curb?

Would you - Confront him and try to work things out?

Would you - Ignore that it happened and hope that the problem goes away?



What would you do?




Edited to add my answer - 7/30/08 @5:26 p.m.

Early in my marriage, I would have quickly said, "Kick him to the curb," and it wasn't that I loved my husband less - it was that I had not yet lived much of my life yet (I was 22 when I got married) and I thought that it would be his loss for making such a stupid decision - I don't need that - adios!

But ... I don't see things the same way I saw them when I was 22.
I've been married to a wonderful man for nearly 25 years and I have to say that I am surprised he hasn't cheated on me yet - really! I think there has realistically been many opportunities and many times I could have been "blamed" for his straying - cheating. But ... he never has and if he were to cheat now - after all of these years - I would have to say that it would hurt me tremendously - scare me - make me angry and humiliate me, but ... I would hope that the situation would allow for us to work through it.

Some of the worst dreams I have ever had, were when I have dreamt that my husband has found someone else and in the dream he has made his decision to the point that I can't persuade him - no matter what - to come back to me. I have had this dream many times and I think it means that my greatest fear is that he would leave me and never look back. It is something I've never had to worry about, thus far - but ... it would be horrible. I love him very much!
I hope none of us ever have to decide what we would do in this situation and for anyone who has experienced this sort of trauma or heartbreak - I am sorry - truly!

33 comments:

One Scrappy Chicklet said...

I would like to say kick him to the curb but that would probably not be the truth, we have so much invested in this life together and I would have to at least try to find out why?
Does that make me weak?


Hugz,
Tami

Jocasta said...

I honesty don't know. I don't think I could live with him but I don't think I could live without him.

Amanda said...

I would like to think that i would kick him out! We would see how long that the new relationship would last with him having the 4 kids. Every weekend!! Ha!

Jacey said...

I honestly can't comment with any real backing. I'm not married. I've never been married. Hell, my longest relationship has probably been 6 months. Well, a year if you count the on-againoff-again as relationship. i don't.
So.... I don't know if what I say I think about it, would be what I would think if it happened.
But I've always been of the opinion 'Once a cheater, always a cheater'.
Then again.... there's always exceptions, right?
But I do think it woul dbe hard to trust someone who had broken that trust, and that vow.
I also think that from the 'other woman's pov (not that I've ever been one!)... I'm not sure how someone can trust that person... how can you trust and marry a man (or woman) who has cheated on their spouse to be with you? How do you know they won't turn around and do it to you too?

So what would I do?
I don't know. There's a lot of variables. Family. Kids. Level of trust that existed. How sorry they really are. The reasoning behind the cheating - I'm not sure theres ever an excuse... but some situations MUST be worse than others.

So in answer? No idea.

kim-d said...

Oh wow! I honestly don't think anyone can say for certain what they would do until they, God forbid, find themselves in the situation.

My knee-jerk reaction is "kick him to the curb" because I am a believer in "once a cheater, always a cheater." Everybody has different "requirements" of their marriage; the things that are not negotiable. When it became obvious that Bill and I were heading towards a future together, I told him my three requirements; the three things that were absolutely necessary and not negotiable in any marriage of mine. The first was "no cheating." And, if you do it and are stupid enough to let me find out, you better never sleep again. HA! Seriously, for me, I would never cheat on my husband and I don't think I could have ever gotten past it if my husband would have cheated on me. Cheating involves so much more than sex. There's lying; there's being selfish; there's so much more.

I'm really glad that I never had to go through the situation. But I will say this...if I could just have him back, if he never got cancer and died...he could cheat with whoever he wanted. I say that, probably because I know he wouldn't; we were very, very close. I just wish I could have him back.

THopgood said...

I really think it depends on the situation. My gut instinct would be to kick him to the curb but I honestly think that it would depend on a lot of things. Hubby and I went through a very rough patch in our marriage a few years ago and came out stronger in the end. I'm not sure our marriage could survive a blow like that after what we went through back then.

Brittany said...

I would confront and work it out- well, that would be my hypothetical answer, anyway. I think it depends on the situation and all factors involved.

Brenda said...

I wouldn't say a thing, I'd wait until he was asleep one night. Then I'd strategically place a dab or two, or three,,,heck a whole line, of superglue. I'd be gone by the time he had his "awakening" but I hope I would have had enough sense to have left a video running at the scene. For future reference ya know.

Courtney said...

Unfortunately, I've been there, done that. I kicked him out for two weeks while we were trying to work it out, but I just couldn't have him in the same house at that point. We (obviously) did work it out and now almost 3 years later I can say that I do trust him again, but it was not an easy road and I can see why so many people just end it!

Sally said...

Actually, I gave him another chance, then the next time I kicked his cheatin' ugly arse to the curb and changed the locks.

Angela said...

Yikes. I'd like to think I could forgive if he was willing to change. But, the level of betrayal is so huge. So maybe not.

Elizabeth said...

For Better or for Worse...
I'm in this for the long haul.
For MY part, I would say that my DH would only stray if I was not giving him the love, affection and attention that I know he needs. I cannot speak for everyone, just myself. Divorce is NOT an option.
My kids and I deserve better than that.

rthling said...

I've seen this happen both ways. And it really does depend on the situation. If he is repentant and wants to work through it, I say give him a chance. But never, ever let your guard down. I don't mean beat him up with it for the rest of his life, but every action has a consequence. Sometimes the consequence is unexpected. And one of the consequences of cheating, is never being completely trusted again. If he is willing to understand that she always has a niggling little doubt in the back of her mind, and is willing to be completely honest and transparent whenever she is feeling doubtful, then I say stick together and work it out. If, however, he says that she should "get over it and let it go" and continues to be secretive and hides things, I say, "KICK HIM TO THE CURB!!!!!"
One of the necessary elements of a good marriage is for both partners to feel safe. If she doesn't feel safe trusting him, there's no hope for the relationship.

Debbie said...

I'm divorced and no that wasn't it. Whatever decision is made, complete trust has to be restored and that's difficult. Wouldn't you always wonder? Be suspicious?

It would definitely have to depend on the circumstances before I could make a decision. Small children involved? Yikes! And yes, I'd also have to know why....

Tanja said...

I would without a doubt...kick him to the curb!

Jennifer said...

um... at first glance of the picture... i was thinking KILL HIM... DEAD!! but then I really thought about it... I would be so heartbroken... for me, for our marriage, for our children... so I think I would confront him and really try to work things out... counceling and all that stuff... and really see if we could save our marriage. BUT it would take a LOT!! I do forgive easily... but I do NOT forget things very well... not like this anyway. I forget where i put my camera and my cell phone all the time, but thankfully I haven't lost any children... for real...that is.

xoxoxoxo

tammy said...

I think it would depend on if it was a one-nighter or an ongoing thing. It'd be much easier to forgive one moment of weakness, I think, than an on-going relationship. (But don't tell him I said that!)

I'd like to say I'd kick him out, but the reality is, I'd most likely want to try and work it out. Especially because of the kids. I have several friends who are divorced, and with the exception of one, none of them are really happy being alone and dating again.

If it were an ongoing thing, and I knew he wasn't going to stop, then definitely he'd be out on his arse (and I'd take him for everything he has or will have!}

Joanna said...

That's a hard one! I would like to think I would kick him to the curb without a backwards glance BUT...I couldn't imagine life without him.
I think it would be on the situation. Friend of mine is going through this. The guy refuses to put his girlfriend aside. He wants both. To that I would say no way!

dani said...

kellan, even the thought of this one makes me ill... i would hope that we could work it out~~~ too many years invested not to at least try.
love,
dani
ps. for those of you that have had to actually deal with this issue, you have my sympathy.

Toni said...

Ugh, this is my nightmare scenario. Of course, like everyone, I think I would say "so long, loser" but I don't know...we've been through so much and we have children and...I love him. So, I think I would try to work it out but I don't know if I could recover from that....

My hope is (and we have extensively spoken about this and promised each other to do this) that he would come to me before doing it so we could work on the issue leading him to these feelings....

Good God, what a way to start What Would You Do Wednesdays! No messin' around over here, is there?? (:

auntie said...

That's a tough one. I'd like to say that I'd confront him AND THEN kick him to the curb, because in my mind somehow that seems like the "strong" thing to do. But realistically, I would probably try to work things out (with professional help, of course). I wonder, though, if I'd ever really be able to forgive him and move on.

melissa said...

just recently my husband met an ex girlfriend at the bar for a drink...without letting me know. and i found out...and almost kicked him out for that!! only because of the sneaky factor...even though it was basically innocent...long story. but...if i caught my husband really cheating...i'd divorce him...for sure. i have no tolerance for cheaters. NONE!! it sickens me.

The Boyds Family said...

Well there is no one correct answer here....it all depends on the circumstances leading up to the act.

I'm not saying that there is ever a good reason for someone to cheat on their spouse and I would hope that we would be open and honest enough to talk to each other and work our problems out before it ever came to that.

However, that is not always the case and with the years that we have invested, the many struggles that we have already overcome and our beautiful children being a factor, I say that I would confront him and try to work it out.

bren j. said...

I think I would want to make an honest attempt to 'fix' things before going the route of kicking him to the curb. That comes with so many repercussions of its own.

Good discussion, Kellan!

kristi said...

I would try to work it out. After 14 years, I know my husband pretty well...but I would want serious counseling for me and him. We would need it!

Belle said...

It's hard to say because I've never for one minute thought that my husband would ever cheat BUT...I'm just not very forgiving therefore I proclaim, "Kick him to the curb and kick him HARD!"

Here's a funny dream that I've had a number of times over the years. In this dream, Hank and I aren't married...everything in our lives is exactly like it really is...same ages, same kids, same house, same jobs...everything EXACTLY the same except that we've never gotten married and he WON'T get married. Now what the heck do you think THAT means???

Julie said...

I'd like to say that I would kick him to the curb... But I have to be honest here, and show how selfish I can be. *lol* ... I am very comfortable with my life. I haven't worked (outside the home) for almost 11 years now, and get the pleasure of staying home with the kids and homeschooling them... If Joe and I were to split up, I woud lose all that... PLUS, I couldn't bare the thought of the kids going off to visit him on a regular basis, because that would mean they wouldn't be with ME (here in Oregon they do a 50/50 thing, so that would mean that I wouldn't see them for SIX MONTHS out of the year.)

So... Yes, I would work things out... But it would be a LONG time before he got "that" from me again! *rofl*

Jenn @ Juggling Life said...

You hit the nail on the head with this one. Life is not so black and white as you get older and wiser.

Jaina said...

I'm not married, I'm still at that stage of kick him to the curb. Knowing myself, it would probably be a mixture of confrontation and kicking him to the curb. Because in my book, cheating is simply unacceptable. But, like I said, I'm not married, haven't even had a bf for four months (8 days away from 4 months though), so I have to admit my experience is limited in this area.

DYSFUNCTIONAL MOM said...

Well, this happened to me. My first husband cheated, and when I found out, I blew up, and he left. Then he came back, begging forgiveness and wanting to work things out. I NEVER thought I'd be the type to take someone back after that, but I did. We had 3 kids together and that was a big part of my decision. BUT, it didn't work. He acted like a jerk the whole time, and was secretive, etc. I finally kicked him out, thinking he'd end up crawling back again. That time, he didn't. BUT, it was the biggest favor he could ever have done me. My life is SO much better now.
If my current husband cheated, I'd probably end it right away, no second chances. Not because I love him less, quite the opposite. But I've been down that road already, and he knows that, and if he cheated on me knowing that, I think it would destroy us.
Thankfully, he has earned my trust and I don't worry that he will cheat. We have a great marriage.

Stella said...

Honestly, it depends. If my husband had a one night stand, my first inclination would be to try therapy and figure out what was wrong and why he felt the need to go out and get it elsewhere.

If it were a relationship. Something he had been carrying on. I would be done.

Either way it would take a lot of therapy and rebuilding and reconnecting.

Carol said...

Too funny that I came upon this post today....! For the first time in 25 years of marriage I dealt with (and wrote about) a tinge of jealousy today!

Carol

E said...

I would ask him to go to a therapist and try to figure out both of our roles in the failure.
We have over twenty year and I am one of the lucky happy ones most of the time.
Generally I think that unless you married a bad guy they don't cheat when they are well taken care of..My gram used to say that a guy who just gets up from the Thanksgiving table will not want a cheeseburger...she was funny and wise